I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
