Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Randomize
