i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
