3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
you're hired as official boob wrangler
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
