i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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