Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I touched a dick in church today
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