We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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