Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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