she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
