Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
