I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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