Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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