found the other keg... it's in the tree
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
