my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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