Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you had me at cake vodka
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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