I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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