i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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