I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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