I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
