I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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