You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
