If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
