She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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