i will never coherently bang her
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
