one might say we're banned from that church
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
