either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
