You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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