I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
