I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
