If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
