it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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