She is in my trunk
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
