if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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