well I can't set my house on fire every night
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's shark week go big or go home
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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