I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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