In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
