I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
