apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
