My liver just broke up with me...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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