I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
