Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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