Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
