i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
