The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
