apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
