dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
