Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize