it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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