So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
