No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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