sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
