you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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