just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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