I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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