Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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