Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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