It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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