hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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