just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
worst night to have a conscience
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize