ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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