I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
NoShamevember. You game?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
