she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
