its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
